James Bond

Couples Communication 3 Keys to Improving Your Listening Skills



Posted: Saturday, August 07, 2010

by
http://www.jamesandjanka.com/

As a Student Activity Advisor the few weeks before the beginning of a new semester is a time of reflection for me.  During this time I look over skills that have served me well over the previous year and things I would like to improve.  One thing that I consistently determine to work on in the upcoming school term is my skill at listening.  No matter how well my listening skills have served me the previous year, I always feel that if I develop them further, they will increase my effectiveness in my role.

While listening on the surface may seem like the easiest thing in the world to do, you simply close your mouth and open your ears, it can be extremely difficult to do well.  Being surrounded by mentors I respect and admire can make listening to my students appear even more difficult.  When debriefing after workshops and events, the things they would be able to pick up would always amaze me.  Later I would find myself listening for the things that they picked up on in different situations.  My listening for certain things inevitably meant me missing other things.  It wasn’t until I relearned to listen without such expectation that I was able to apply the knowledge I gained from my mentors.

Since marrying recently I have noticed how valuable the skills I learned while assisting or instructing my students are in improving my communication with my wife.  There are very few things that make my wife happier than feeling both heard and understood. 

Here are three keys that will help you give your partner that same feeling.

  1. Listen holistically
Pay attention to words and feelings.  If you are listening holistically you will pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, head movements, body language, and the general mood of your partner.

  1. Let your partner empty their tank
One of the most immediate and beneficial keys to allowing your partner to feel heard is letting them speak without interruption.  By practicing this you will also find that many misunderstandings are avoided.

  1. Be aware of any bad listening habits you have and address them
Bad habits include concentrating on your response while your partner is speaking, jumping to conclusions about where your partner is going with the conversation, and judging your partners statements or feelings before they are finished speaking.

James Bond lives in Southern California with his wife Janka and cat Wyatt. He works with a community college district as a coordinator of student activities. JamesandJanka also provide advice to couples on communication techniques and activities to increase intimacy in relationships.

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